From the old blog 3: Sorry, traditional publishing, I'm breaking up with you.

It's not you, it's me.

No wait, it's you. It's definitely you.

For as long as I've known me, I've always been a staunch (read: militant) paper and ink book guy. The sensation of flipping through a physical book is just another book-related taste that I'd wager I inherited from my mother. As a reader, I fought the so-called electronic revolution...then I used a Nook for the first time. Love at first sight, I tell ya.

My birthday wishlist (not what you think).

On this date (August 23rd) in history:

Absolutely nothing of note has happened. Ever.

Instead, we celebrate the respective naissance of Dan "Rudy" Ruetiger...the working class dog himself, Rick Springfield...Kobe (the Bryant, not the beef)...and yours truly. Rudy's got a timeless movie, Rick has a bunch of hits and a soap opera role to his credit, Kobe's got pretty much everything, so it's my turn.

The DIY Writer #2: Don't get scammed.

I originally intended on writing this post on a completely different topic, but the events over the last few days concerning PublishAmerica (I won't ever link to those d-bags) have made me feel it's necessary to address something else.

The DIY Writer #1: Keeping a Proper Timeline

This is an entry in the "DIY Writer" series in which writers share their tips, tricks, and experiences to help guide others from the opening sentences to self-publishing.

The story you’re reading starts on a Monday. You know this because the author said, “Monday morning, Joe drove to work.” The character goes to work a couple of days, and the next thing you know, it’s Friday. You think, “Hm. That’s odd. They didn’t mention Joe was part-time help, and I don’t think I slept-read again so what’s up with that?” You’re confused. You decide to have a drink and mull things over. Still confused, you have another. You stare at the words, which by now are running amok on the page like horny ants. So you have another drink to make them stand still. You forget why you’re drinking, so you have another. The next thing you know, you’re a raging alcoholic who refuses to attend your AA meetings because they might make you read a pamphlet, and reading will bring the traumatic memories of a reckless timeline to the surface. My point? No one wants to read a story that can’t follow a timeline. Not even alcoholics.

Call for contributors: This time with actual details.

If you've already read this, you know that I'm looking to do an informal blog series directed at the new writer and/or self-publisher. Several of you have expressed interest...thank you! If you have an idea for a post, just let me know ahead of time so no one's working on the same topic. You can email me here or just leave a comment on this blog; it amounts to the same thing.

With regards to posting, if you want to include any pictures in your post, just include a link. Also, I reserve the right to edit, but it's almost a certainty I won't for anything other than typos. If I need to edit beyond that for whatever reason, I'll notify you before it's posted.

The bottom line is this: If you have information to offer that will benefit other writers or self-publishing neophytes, I want to feature it. Hey, I'll probably learn something, too.

Dan

Random Writing Though from: Neil Gaiman

I'm not a big Neil Gaiman fan. That's not to say that I don't like his work. I'm saying that, outside of some Sandman when I was younger, I've never read him. I just started reading American Gods, so let's see where that goes.

However, it wouldn't matter if no one had ever heard of him. These next words are something that we authors should post above our writing desk, slap on a bookmark, or otherwise put in a conspicuous place to remind us of what it is we've all chosen to do.

Planned blog series: call for contributors.

I'm planning a series of posts directed mostly at new writers and self-publishers. The topics I want to touch on include (but are no way in Hell limited to): dialogue, action, (un)common mistakes, formatting, writing groups, timelines, and marketing. I guess I already unofficially kicked this series off with "A Four-Letter Word to Describe the Self-Publishing Process", so that's a good indicator of the kind of informal yet informative content I'd like to feature.

Writing and self-pubbing is a pretty broad topic, to say the least, so I would love to see some guest posts from other writers and self-publishers. I don't mind concurrent posts that run on your own blog, so long as you have something to offer other writers: tips, good/bad experiences, reviews of writing software, etc.

I'm also drawing a blank on a catchy title for the series, so suggestions for that are welcome, too.

Dan

Zombies as I see them, zombies as they should be.

I'm appointing myself international head of something for only the second time in my life.*

Say hello to your Worldwide Zombie Commissioner. It's a lifetime appointment, so get used to it. I felt it was necessary to ascend to this post for one main reason: there seems to be too much leeway in what constitutes a true zombie nowadays. Zombies, like Hansel, are so hot right now, and some creators are taking too many liberties for my tastes.

Hostile takeover.

Writers are like snowflakes: no two are identical.*

However, as in any other profession, I imagine that we all share a lot of similar experiences. For example, I just assume that almost all writers have that moment when they realize that the page they just agonized over is complete rubbish; or experience that queasy feeling when someone whose opinion they care about is reading their work for the first time; or get an anger-fueled boost of confidence when they read a successful writer who isn't fit to carry their laptop.

But I wonder how many have had a character show absolutely no respect for authority and just do whatever the hell they want.

From the old blog 2: The day I couldn't even throw a proper tantrum.

I'm a cusser. It's how I vent.

Not when it's wholly inappropriate, mind you. But I do use invectives to let off steam bit by bit, so that I can avoid a big blowup later.

During those rare blowups, it helps to break something. Nothing valuable...an old two by four, a brick, even something as simple as snapping a branch over my knee gets it out and then it's back to business.

A four-letter word to describe the self-publishing process.

"ASAP."

What did you think I was going to say?

So, you have a release date in mind? Great! Congrats on your accomplishment! Now start formatting your book. Do. Not. Wait.

If you've actually noticed that I'm behind schedule for everything but the Smashwords releases of Orpheus and Underneath...well that's awesome that you noticed. Thanks!

From the old blog: My zombie survival team has some openings.

Because I believe in being prepared, I'm putting my Zombie Survival Team together before it's too late. The positions of need are:

Trusted Lieutenant: Must be comfortable questioning leader's decisions while always having his back.

Tank: Must have cool nickname (e.g. Tex, Cannibal, Big Sexy) and be able to dual-wield anything.

Hot Chick: Must be willing (read: eager) to sleep with leader when shit looks hopeless, have faux regret, then do it again after survival is assured. Must work well with Slightly Less Hot Chick.

Slightly Less Hot Chick: Must provide competition for leader's affections. Glasses and latent bisexuality a plus. *UPDATE: POSITION FILLED*

Nerd: You're bait. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be. Ability to throw together a semi-palatable meal is preferred, but not required. You'd better have computer skills.

Black Guy: Must have large repertoire of wisecracks about being the only black guy.

Coward: Must skin out at the worst possible time and die horribly. Your unintentional sacrifice must enable the rest of the group to get away.

Hidden Badass: Must rise up and lay waste to the undead when all seems lost. Being aware of your badassness will automatically disqualify you. Therefore, this is the most difficult position to fill.

Old Guy: Must possess ability to repeat same three stories about non-specific “The War” with minimal rest and produce cigars seemingly out of nowhere. Bad knee/back/hip must not slow you; constantly bitching about it is acceptable.